Riham Monzer
As parents, it is natural to give your child the best of everything possible. Because of the extraordinary love parents have for their children and their desire to see them happy and satisfied. Yet, constantly trying to please your child creates an unhealthy pattern in the parent-child relationship allowing children to establish a series of manipulative behaviors.
Manipulation is the practice of using indirect tactics to control behavior, emotions, and relationships to your advantage, often unfairly. Manipulators often use charm, persuasion, trickery, and misdirection. The question is: Does your child manipulate you?
From one perspective, children trying to acquire their needs aren’t being manipulative; they’re communicating the only way they know-how. Pediatricians believe babies do not have the cognitive ability to actively or consciously manipulate their parents. Small children cry to get their needs met; needs can include relief from hunger, discomfort, fear, loneliness, boredom, illness, and pain. Crying is the baby’s way of communication. Responding to it doesn’t mean you are being manipulated; it is simply attentive and appropriate caregiving.
Yet, children who can express themselves verbally can manipulate their parents. It is a part of their everyday routine to get what they want. They use their charm, whining, or nagging to make a parent fulfill their needs.
Identifying your child’s manipulative behavior is the first step to handling the situation.
Below are signs your child is trying to be manipulative and strategies you can use to regain control.
1. Badgering: When children keep asking for the same thing over and over again and act like they didn’t hear your answer the first time. An example could be
Stay firm and don’t give in when they continue to make the same request.
2. Arguing: Once you have decided, don’t engage in ongoing arguments to justify your decision. Any explanation won’t matter to children until your answer changes to “yes.” Listen to them if they want to express their argument but without re-engaging in the matter being discussed. Let them know that you are open for discussions and explanations, but you made your decision, no matter what the argument is.
3. No-Response: If you ask children to put off the tablet and don’t respond, although they were clearly within earshot, they will claim they didn’t hear the request. Here your child is manipulating you by choosing not to respond. What you can do is go down to their eye level, look them in the eye and repeat your request calmly and give them two options “I have asked you to put your plate in the sink, do you want to do it now or after you wash your hands?”.
4. Non-responsibility: Make sure that when children decide to act in a certain way, they should bear the consequences, which are the results of their behavior. A child knows when a parent is bluffing; your child knows that if you say, “Screens are not allowed during meal times,” and after 2 minutes of crying, I give him the screen during lunch, this means that the consequences are not being taken so seriously. They will continue threatening me that they will not eat as long as they believe there are no consequences. Whatever consequence you choose, ensure it is feasible, directly related to the behavior, and can be met. Always remember, consequences are not punishments.
5. Bribery: Gaining compliance can be attainable, especially for small children, with the promise of treats. You have to know that your child is the one in control when you offer a bribe. Why? Because they are rewarded (getting a treat) for their non-compliance. Asking children to complete a chore they refuse to complete (non-compliant), but then gets the cookie and does it (manipulation).
6. Inconsistency: If a child figures out that one parent always says “no” and the other always says “yes,” it makes sense that the child would tend to ask the more consenting parent. Children learn this adaptive skill through trial and error. Sticking to one response can teach a child that this type of manipulation isn’t as functional as it was before. This strategy requires cooperation from both parents.
7. The usage of manipulation as a cover: A subtle form of manipulation shows itself in the form of half-truths or complete falsehoods. Children do such behavior to be able to do things they would not otherwise be allowed to do. In such cases, talking to your child may increase trust and reduce dishonest manipulation.
In addition to what’s mentioned above, understanding manipulation and how to handle it requires an understanding of the reasons this pattern occurs. Children may be dealing with tangled feelings, unable to express their actual needs and emotions. This inability can lead to fulfillment through the empowerment felt when they could control their parents through manipulation. It is crucial to create opportunities for validated emotional expression; giving your child understanding instead of rewards when something in life is difficult reduces the need for manipulation.
As manipulation is learned, it can also be unlearned. Providing the support needed to acquire a new skill requires removing the focus from manipulation to the skill you wish your child to learn. Praise your child when being honest, communicating clearly, and being transparent, instead of punishing for perceived manipulation since the latter may lead to an undesirable increase in unwanted behavior.
